Panic Attacks and TTP

10 years ago I would have had a panic attack about TTP if I had felt even slightly unwell. Going to a new place, an awkward situation, meeting someone I wasn't sure would understand. Anything new really and out of my comfort zone would cause great anxiety.

After my first episode, when my health was fragile but settling down I was passed back from the main treatment hospital to one a little nearer to home for monitoring. On my first appointment at the Beacon Centre, my husband mentioned that we had trouble parking. We had parked in a space marked for radiotherapy patients and were told to move. Left alone in a strange place I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, think, every muscle shook, my head swam. I must have been a real mess. I remember that I had been given a CD to play, and with earphones in I listened to the sounds of the ocean. It helped, but what really calmed me was the presence of my husband. On his return I was able to have my blood tests. He has been my rock. Support and understanding are so important.

Flash backs and PTDS are common for people who face life threatening challenges, and that can include medical emergencies. For years any alarm that sounded like hospital equipment would set me off. It does ease.

Not that I don't worry, or get stressed about TTP. It's easier when your blood levels are good, not so easy when they slip, and it's inevitable that mine will. They are forming a pattern and no one has denied it when I've asked. But treatments to prevent full relapse are available and I know they work.

Yesterday started with a tray of tea being thrown up the stairs. My slipper came off my foot, I missed a step and the tea was gone. I often wake with aches and pains. Today is no different but today I accept the ache in my foot is from my slip.

In lockdown, I read repeatedly that it was OK to stay in bed. Well it's not. Not all day anyway. Staying in bed, feeling my heart beat, listening to my ears buzzing, is the worst thing for me to do. My coping mechanism is to keep busy. Get up! Shower! Get dressed! Look at the trees! One day I may be confined to a bed, I don't dwell on that fact, but I can't waste my days wondering what might be.

In war zones people are forced to hide in basements, dreaming of being able to escape. For their sake, we should make the most of our freedom.

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Porridge for Breakfast, The Ordinary Life of a TTP Survivor

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